3rd Anniversary

Grief comes in waves.  You are fine for this little period of time and then like a wave it rushes over you and you are for a few minutes consumed with grief and tears.  And like a wave it recedes until it comes again.  There is nothing anyone can do or say that comforts you and you move through the experience like molasses.  Gradually you emerge...forever changed.  You learn to live with the heartache and pain.  You learn that you can laugh again, have fun again but the grief is never far away and at any moment like a wave it will wash over you again.  At least that was my experience and continues to be.
-Lyn Kulczyk Pool


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal...time lessons the heartache that only you feel....love leaves a memory no one can steal.
- Headstone in Ireland

It's that time of year.

A week ago I was hanging up laundry and hear a little scream.  At this time of the year it usually means a blotched water snake has gotten a frog or something else is being eaten by a snake. 
So of course I had to go investigate.  I put Bonnie inside and headed toward the noise. 
Standing on a rock I was able to see this guy eating a baby cottontail.  I saw him strike the baby (nature can be so cruel) a couple of times and then begin to swallow the baby. 

I called my husband to come and see the drama unfolding before my eyes.  Bob was able to quickly kill this guy.  Unfortunately he'd already eaten 2 of the babies in the nest, the 3rd baby was in the snakes mouth when Bob killed him and if there was a 4th in the nest I will never know.  By the time I rechecked the nest making sure that there were no snakes in the vicinity, it looked like momma cottontail had moved the baby to a safer place. 

We've had lots of rain that's bringing them out but also the temperature is lower because of the rain so they are moving more as well. 

The beauty of camo.  Do you see him?

This is a Texas Rat Snake.  This happened a couple of days after the rattlesnake.  I went into a storage area that is under our porch.  I wasn't expecting to see a snake there and it scared me just a little bit.

Spring

We've had some rain this Spring.  We haven't had a lot but we've had enough to make all the plants happy and to get a good start on our vegetable garden.  So I thought I just post all these wonderful pictures of what is blooming in the garden right now. 

 

The Rose in the title picture  is a variety called "Old Blush".  I love it because its easy to take care of, it still smells like a rose and it's a climber.  The highest bloom right now is about 18 Ft. off the ground.
Enjoy!!

We've not had a tremendous amount of rain and Bob and I like to kid that we have our own personal high pressure system that sits right above our home that prevents us from getting a lot of the rain that we see, smell and hear.  But we've had enough to bring out the blossoms. 

Meringue...yum

I had a birthday....a milestone birthday a month ago.  I turned 60 and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that, it's a strange place to be.  I've never minded getting older or telling people the age that I am.  Just never bothered me and I'm not bothered by turning 60 it's just kinda strange to keep saying it outloud.  At any rate that is not what this post is about but it has a little something to do with it. 

I am not a cake eater.  I do like some cakes but if given the choice I would much rather have pie and my favoite pie is Lemon Meringue.  So on my birthday my mom always made me a Lemon Meringue Pie and in my opinion she made the best. 

The last couple of years that my mom was alive she was too ill to make me a pie and so I did without.  And the last couple of years since she has been gone I didn't really have the heart to make it myself but this year changed all that.  I felt that I was ready for the challenge. 

The Lemon filling is no secret, sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice, eggs, water and cornstarch.  But this post is about the crowning glory of any meringue pie and that is the meringue. 

Meringue simply put is egg whites, sugar and maybe a little cream of tartar, but there are different ways to make meringue and that's what this post is really about. 

Meringue can be put into 2 classes....Hard or Soft.  Hard meringues are usually made the same as soft meringues but then they are baked in a very low oven for a very long time to dry them out.  A lot of times these hard meringues are piped onto a sheet of parchment paper and made into a "nest" or "bowl" so to speak and then filled with berries, ice cream, custard or cream.  But I'm not going to talk about that kind of meringue.  I'm going to talk about soft meringue. 

Soft meringues are made by whipping eggs whites, sugar and cream of tartar and maybe even a touch of vanilla or almond extract.  But if you heat the egg whites with the sugar or make a sugar syrup and add it to the egg whites you get an entirely different creature than just whipping room temperature eggs whites with sugar....it's magical, satiny smooth and almost the consistency of marshmallo fluff.  Incredible stuff. 

If you combine hot sugar syrup with the eggs whites its called Italian meringue, think Divinity candy.  If you combine egg whites and sugar and heat that up it's called Swiss meringue.  I'm talking about Swiss meringue for the sake of this post. 

I think that putting Swiss meringue on a Lemon Meringue Pie is highly unconventional and my mom never did it that way but after making a few Baked Alaska's for various family members and using Swiss Meringue for that I just felt like it would be a delicious addition to Lemon Meringue Pie.  And in my opinion it is. 

So here is what you do....the porportions are 1/4 cup of sugar per egg white.  So if you have 3 egg whites then you have 3/4 cup of sugar. You can add a touch of cream of tartar to stabalize it just a bit but it's not necessary and you can also add vanilla or almond extract but that is completely optional. 

Take your egg whites and add sugar to it.  Put them in the top of a double boiler so that you heat them gently.  You want to heat them until you can no longer feel the sugar.  Either stick your finger in (perfectly clean thank you) and rub it with your thumb to see if you feel any crunch or taste it to see if you taste any crunch. 
When it's not crunchy anymore then put the mixture in a deep narrow bowl of a stand mixer.  A hand held mixer will not work for this recipe and that's because they just don't have the power to whip for as long and as fast as you need.

Start the mixer on the lowest speed and gradually raise the speed as the mixture gets thicker and stiffer.

Continue to whip until thick and you get very stiff peaks when you raise the balloon whip.

Spread on your pie and make sure you spread it all the way to the crust to completely seal it all in and also to make sure that it doesn't shrink. 

TA-DA!!!  Finished...look at those prudy peaks.  Now just brown them by putting the whole pie in the oven with the broiler on or do like I do...get a portable propane torch...my husband has one for doing various things and I use it to put the browning on my pie. 

 

The Dream

Ever since my mother died and now recently my father I have had people say to me, "Well, you know they are looking down on you and are around you all the time so be comforted by that fact." 
Wonderful thoughts if I felt that way but I do not.  I'm not trying to be negative here, that is just not my experience. 
I would have thought if anyone would have felt my mother's presence then it would have been my sister.  She spent more time with mom than anyone of us kids.  That was because she was the one to have children first and she lived closer to her physically than the rest of us.  But alass my sister doesn't feel her presence either.  Not that she or I for that matter would not like to, it's just that that has not been our experience.
About 6 months after mother had died, I had a dream.  I was at my parents house (in the dream) and I walked into the TV room where my father was watching TV sitting in his favorite chair.  I said Hello and where is mom.  Daddy said, "She's back in the sewing room but she's coming up the hallway."  It was in the next instant that I saw my mom.  I said, "Hi Mom, you are looking really well!"  And she said, "I feel really well!".  And we embraced and it was so real.  It lasted for what seemed like 5 minutes but I could feel her arms around me and it was a wonderful feeling.  And I also felt this sense of peace come over me.  I've not had another dream about her. 
Flash forward to a couple of nights ago...just a bit over 6 months since my father passed.  I had a dream.  This time it took place in a small restaurant...a pizza joint.  Pizza was a favorite food with my dad and we shared a lot of pepperioni pizza's over the years.  I didn't really recognize the restaurant but that didn't matter because I knew I was there to see my dad..and there he was, in the middle of the room.  I walked over to his table and he got up and we embraced.  It wasn't as real feeling as the one with my mom but it was there.  I remarked to him how good he looked.  He had put on weight and there were no bruises on his body.  Because of the type of cancer that he had he looked like someone had beaten the crap out of him all the time.  And then I remember thinking that this wasn't real and poof...the dream was over. 
I think about these two incidents and I wonder to myself about the human mind.  Is this how we cope with what is the un-copeable?  
I don't have the answers, probably never will have them but they do comfort me in some strange way.

The Ritual

When my husband and I built this house, we built it for entertaining.  Entertaining family and friends became something that I had always looked forward to and once it started I knew truly just how much the ritual of getting the house ready for company meant to me.

Something that I also decided to do once we were in the house is that I would use the good China, silverware and linens and I did.  In fact since our wedding was a very small affair with just a couple of friends and family present I did not receive many of the wedding gifts that a modern day bride would accuire during her showers and wedding.  Most of my good stuff has been handed down to me by death (My mother-In-Law first and then of course my own mother)and that's just been in the last 10 or so years.  So "my good stuff" was really nothing compared to what I have today but the ritual of getting the house ready and setting the table calms me like a xanax would to someone else and so here is how it will go tomorrow night.

First the linens are taken from closet and ironed (yes, ironed).  This tablecloth is newly acquired.  It belonged to my mom.  There were actually 2 100% Irish Linen tablecloths and napkins with tags still attached in her Hope Chest.  I think that she probably got them while we were in England but I'm really not sure why she never use them.  I've been told that Linen improves every time you use it so I plan to use it a lot.

Then I look in the storage space upstairs to see what I want to use as a center piece.  I have a couple of selections.  This year I think I will go with the plain hurricanes and red candles.  Maybe a little fake snow at the base of the candles.

Next is to decide what China to use.  I inherited a set of Noritaki China from my mother-in-law.  My husband bought it for his mother when he was on R&R in Japan.  It's not something that I would have chosen back in the day but I love that I have it now.  Then I have this Ironstone that my mom used on good occasions and have used it since we moved into this house.  Mom was no longer doing any of the big holidays and was happy to hand over the duties to me.  It's plain and simple and shows the food off wonderfully.  And the last set belonged to my father's mother.  My mom inherited it when she died but I only remember it being used once and then put away for safe keeping.  I think I will use it.

I head over to the shop where all the silver is kept in a gun safe.  We as a family inherited all my mother's silver things.  My mom had various trays and plates and tea sets but she also had 2 sets of silverware.  I don't ever remember her getting any of it out to use.  It has been packed away for decades but now that it's seen the light of day, I'm going to use it. 

So once I have all the elements out I wait until about 8 o'clock or so.  I get out my IPod, select the Christmas play list and begin.

First the table gets pulled away from the wall and centered in the room.  Sometimes I have to add both leafs to the table to seat everyone but this year it will be simply 6 of us.  My husband and I, my sister and her husband and my brother and his wife.  My nieces will not be with us this year.  One is a newlywed (Dec. 6th) and her husband has work.  They live in Houston and so will be celebrating on their own.  My other niece  (the veternarian) is in Dubai working at the Dubai Equine Hospital.  She was just here for the wedding and this is racing season in Dubai so it's very, very busy.  We will miss both of them but understand that they are grown women now and this is the way life goes. 

The tablecloth protector goes down first and then the tablecloth is carefully lain over it.  If there are any wrinkles I get out the iron and carefully steam them away. 

Next is the centerpiece(s).  Hurricane is carefully washed and polished so that no trace of a fingerprint is visable and then candle is placed along with fake snow.  I'm also using an old Christmas Tablecloth folded just so that it resembles a table runner.  This may or may not make it to the final table setting.  It's just something I was thinking of and decided to see if it would work. 

I then place the dinner plate at each place followed by a small bowl for sides and a bread plate.  The knives, forks and spoons are set down one at a time.

Next are the napkins, this year folded to resemble a christmas tree, then the Christmas Crackers which have been a tradition in this family since we lived in England. 

Last but not least are the wine glasses and then salt & pepper shakers.  Butter bowls go on tomorrow closer to dinner. Extra bowls and serving platters are laid out on the counters in anticipation of what they will hold tomorrow. 

When the last glass is laid down, I once again look at all the place settings, correct little placings and pour a glass of wine.  All is right in my world.  I'm relaxed and ready for whatever tomorrow will bring. 

It may seem a bit extreme to some but truly it is a real pleasurable time for me. 

I've always known that life is short but in the years that my husband lost his parents and reinforced when my own parents died is that if you have nice things....what are you saving them for?  If you bought them or inherited them doesn't matter....use them, that's what you bought them for. 

I hope that this next year will bring wonderful things to me and my family.  And Happy Holidays to you all. 

Saying Goodby

Sometimes you just have to write down the events leading up to something tragic so that you can look at it and move on.  So forgive this indulgence.

The last week with Daddy was great in so many little ways and so sad in so many others.  On Monday we really thought that things were turning around because he'd held on to his platelets all weekend long.  Daddy and I went to the grocery store after treatment and he fell...or at least I thought that he fell.  He said that his knee gave out but now looking back I know that it was his blood pressure that dropped to rock bottom.

He'd been having trouble sleeping and the Dr. perscribed him some very mild sleeping pills.  He took them but he told the Dr. that they made him very unsteady...this was also his blood pressure dropping.

Tuesday found us back at treatment with a schedule for an MRI on Friday.  Wednesday during treatment his Dr. asked to see me without him.  I made an excuse to him that it was probably about the MRI and she told me that his kidney function was getting very bad.  There are numbers that are involved in the whole equation but I couldn't tell you what they were.  I told her that he was not ready to hear this news and she said that I needed to prepare him.  I chose not to because I had a feeling that it would not go over well and that he might just throw in the towel.  So when I returned back to him I told him that it was indeed about the MRI.  On Thursday while in treatment she called me me once again to her office and told me that he either needed to be admitted to the hospital that afternoon or go home to hospice.  I asked her if we could set up hospice for home and she agreed.

  I called my brother and sister before I went back to him in treatment and asked if they could come to the hospital while the Dr. spoke with daddy and they both were able to leave work and come.  Before we went back to the Dr.s office I pulled Daddy off to a quiet corner of the hospital and told him that things were not looking very good.  I explained that his kidneys were beginning to shut down.  He looked at me with such a childlike expression and asked, "Would it help if I drank more water?"  I said, "No, daddy, it's gone too far."  And I started to cry.  My brother and sister arrived right about that time and we went into the Dr.'s office.  She explained what was going on and that she wanted to admit him to the hospital.  Of course he flately refused and said that he wanted to think about it.  He also wanted to have the MRI the next day and that he would make up his mind about what he would do by then.  We decided to go out to dinner at his favorite Mexican restaurant.  He ate his favorite meal and drank a beer and then he and my brother drove to his house where my brother stayed the night with him.  My brother was going to take him to the MRI and I would meet them at the house as soon as I had finished running errands for him.  I was just finished with the first errand when I got a call from my brother.  They were at the MRI place and he thought that maybe daddy had had a stroke.  I was across town but told him that I would get there just as fast as I could.

     I distinctly remember pulling up to the intersection where the MRI place was and upon seeing the ambulance and firetruck and thinking...those are for my father and tearing up.  It was beginning to dawn on me that we were losing him and soon.

I got into the building, told them who I was and they led me back.  EMS personnel assured me that he had not had a stroke but that his blood pressure had bottomed out.  My brother was very scared but was pulling it together.  They explained that they needed to take him to the hospital and we could ride along or just follow along.  They would take good care of him along the way and both my brother and I would follow.  We spoke in the parking lot and decided to call my younger brother and get him on a plane.  We knew that daddy might last the weekend but probably not much past that.

     So they take him to the emergency room and of course it takes at least 6 hours to find a room but we finally got one and when we got him settled the Dr. came in and asked him what he wanted to do.  He said, 'I want to go home and have them take care of me (pointing to us)".  The Dr. told him that he was going to require more care than we could give him and that he really needed to either be in the hospital or have hospice.  He still wasn't getting it truly...but can you blame him?

He reluctantly chose home and hospice and we all stayed and got him settled in for the night. 

I left the hospital around 7, daddy had eaten and was watching FOX news and although he was restless he didn't seem to be in any pain or discomfort.  My brother  texted me about 8:30 and said that daddy had been restless but had fallen asleep and he was headed home.  He would be back the next morning to stay with daddy while he got discharged and I was going to be at daddys to take apart his bed (hospice was bringing a hospital bed) and get his house ready for someone else to stay in.  My sister decided to stay the night at the last minute and so she settled in for the night. 

I got home, filled my husband in on what had transpired (I'd called him previously) and got a beer and went to bed.  I knew that somehow I would be heading back into town sooner rather than later. 

Next thing I knew was that my husband was shaking me awake and telling me we had to get dressed and get into town.  My sister had texted him (knowing me like she does) and I was up and dressed in about 10 seconds.  As we got in the truck...I said to my husband...He's gone....I can feel it....he's gone....

I guess that I could have called my sister to confirm but we headed into town...in silence.  My husband knows me so well and knows that there are times when I just like to have it quiet to think and he gave me that time. 

When I got up to the floor and his room and opened the door.  It was confirmed...he was indeed gone.   My sister and I dissolved into tears and held a little pity party for a few moments.  I asked if my older brother knew, Chickie said yes and that he was on his way to the airport to pick up Chris.  The nurses were wonderful and the funeral home was called.  We waited until Chris arrived and we had a little time together as a family and then we all went home.  Of course I couldn't sleep so I drank a couple of beers, took a shower and headed back into town.  We needed to get his uniform to the cleaners, we needed to let his neighbors know, we needed to start making phone calls and we needed to just be together. 

Chickie said that Daddy's breathing changed about 10:30 and a nurse came it and repositioned his oxygen and his breathing became regular again.  It once again changed and woke her up about 12:35 a.m. and a nurse came in and said , "You know what this mean?", Chickie said, "Is he dying?", the nurse said, Yes, Chickie said, when?, the nurse said, "now".   And he was gone.  Chickie said it was peaceful and his eyes were closed.  He didn't wince or look like he was any kind of pain, it was over  before it sunk in that this was it.  I couldn't have asked for anything any better for him.   His Dr. told me the next day that she felt that he'd made up his mind to go because he didn't want to go home and have strangers in his home.  I agreed with her.  I made the rounds to the 2 infusion rooms to let them know and they all cried with me.  Those women who work those rooms are incredible...they lose people all the time and they go into work every single day with a smile on their face.  I have so much admiration for them.  Not a job that I would want to do.  Special people indeed. 

I must say that I am so proud of my sister and brothers.  We have pulled together and gotten it done.  We knew that he wanted to be buried in his uniform and he also wanted to be buried with his model of the F105 that he got from General Dynamics.  It's a metal model and he'd told me a long time ago he wanted to be buried with it.  We decided that we wanted to have a military funeral.  Flag draped coffin, 21 gun salute, taps and a fly over.  And we got it all.  The fly over was the most moving.  Confederate Air Force did it for only gas money.  It was worth every penny and for 4 planes and 2 pass overs it was $700.00.  We thought that it was more than reasonable.  We would have paid more. 

 I'm feeling adrift so to speak.  My parents are gone, both of them.  Who do I report to now?  I mean I'm almost 60 years old and I still feel like I need my parents guidance.  And I'm a little afraid that when all is done with the estate that I'll really breakdown.  We've been so busy taking care of stuff that it's been easy to be distracted by the fact that they are no longer here.  And their stuff...all their stuff.  We've all been able to take the things that we want but we can't take everything.  There is so much, and so many memories...everything I picked up held a memory.  It's a very strange place to be.

When I started this blog about 3 years ago...it was to help chronicle first my father's and then both of my parents illnessess.  And now it's over, they are gone.  This is a completely new area for me and I'm not sure if I have anything left to say.  I'm going to take a little break and see if I have more to share about this new place that I am in and weather or not I will continue.