This was our first Christmas without mom. I don't think that Christmas is ever going to feel the same again. We had the people, we had the food and we had the decorations and presents but the most important element was my mom's presence and she's not here.
My mother had such a way with Christmas. It was her most favorite time of the year and she was completely in her element.
From my first memories of Christmas in our home it was a time of happiness and anticipation of presents yet to be opened. The tree would be bought and ornaments would be brought out and hung with care. And tinsel had to be strung just so....there was no getting around just throwing the tinsel on...you had to ever so carefully place it just so. As children we could not appreciate the careful placement but as we grew up it began to take on a new meaning and it was a time when we were all together as a family doing something together.
My mother had a way with Christmas presents as well. I cannot tell you how many times that I could not for the life of me think of something that I wanted other than a cookbook or a novel and my mother would find something special for me and put it under the tree. She had a gift for gift giving. She knew us so well that she knew what we wanted even when we could not think of it ourselves.
I was not looking forward to the annual picture taking around the tree. We've done it every year with my older brother making the sign with the year on it. But no one mentioned it this year and I have to say "Thank You" as I think I would have been reduced to tears at that point.
My father said the blessing before the meal this year...something he has not done in decades and he choked up when he mentioned the woman who was responsible for this family. It was a moment.
We are creating new memories and we are learning how to deal with our loss.
I knew that this Christmas would be the hardest but we were able to celebrate it and we were able to even have a few laughs. It doesn't mean that it won't hurt every year...but this next year I'm hoping it will hurt a little less.
No, Christmas will never be the same and I will ALWAYS miss my mother not being a part of it anymore but we will pull together as a family and make the best of it that we can.
