Today would have been her 82nd birthday.
I would like to say that I am over the initial grief but I think that the pain of losing her will be with me until the day that I die.
My mother and I had a complicated relationship from my teens to my late 30's. I'm sure more than once she would have wanted to just deck me but instead she just chose to let me go my own way. It wasn't that I was rebellious, it was more about me just wanting to be me.
I was raised a catholic but from a very early age I questioned everything about it. My mother was a woman of faith and took her position on religion completely on faith that what she was told from the priests and nuns in her life to be fact.
I stopped going to church when I moved away from home and into a dorm for college. I think that I broke her heart more than once when I spoke so flippantly about her faith...the way that college kids can do. And so in turn when I got married I chose to be married by a Justice of the Peace instead of a church wedding. Why would I even consider a church wedding when I hadn't set foot in one in the last 6 years. But true to her nature ...when she got her head around the idea that I wanted the simpliest of weddings...she threw herself into the process just like any other mother of the bride.
I broke her heart again when after 2 years of marriage I made the decision to have my tubes tied so that I wouldn't have to take the pill any longer and I didn't want to have children. She just could not imagine how I wouldn't want to be a mother. My reasons for not wanting children are really quite simple. I'm a selfish person and I didn't want to have them. I never enjoyed holding babies and I never enjoyed playing with dolls much and I didn't like to babysit at all. Some people are drawn to stuff naturally but I like to say that I didn't get the gene that tells you to have a baby. Don't get the wrong idea...I have nieces and a nephew that I adore and would do anything for but I didn't want to do it myself and I'm very happy with my life.
The older I got the more I learned how to approach my mother with things. She was a wonderful sounding board for problems and because of my love of cooking she often called me to ask a cooking question. That became for me a bridge to her.
I think that these last 10 or so years we were the closest that we'd ever been. We talked constantly and spent more time together that we had the previous 40. In fact 2 years ago when my husband and I took a cruise to Alaska, we asked my parents to come with us. They did and we had a wonderful time. I will never forget that trip and so glad that we asked them to come with us.
So today I remember the woman who brought me into this world. I remember her smile, and I'm struggling to remember the sound of her voice. I miss her so much but so glad that we hadn't had a cross word to one another in a very, very long time.
Happy 82nd Birthday Mom. I wish that you were here so we could celebrate but I will remember you today anyway. I love you.
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